MILITARY SPOUSES

The following about Military Spouses is something I wrote last year, during hubby's second deployment to Iraq. It goes hand in hand with the musing about the Bubble People, which I posted earlier.

I am taking some talking points from a speech given by someone years ago in this one. I have no idea who the military person was, who gave that speech, but I credit him with the inspiration he has given me.The speech centered on how military families are different from "other" families. We move a lot, spend a lot of time alone, while our loved are away on routine or war-time deployments. We spend tremendous amounts of money to hear our love one's voice. We even have kids on our own (no, don't call the Vatican just yet, I mean, our spouses might not be there when we welcome a new life into this world). Every 2 or 3 years, we say good-bye to the friends we have made and have to make new ones in another location. We understand how we somehow bond together by what our spouses do. It does not mean we are best of friends or even buddies, but it means that we can still pick up the phone when we are down, call another military spouse and they understand, simply because they have "been there, done it, and bought a t-shirt" or two, three or whatever number of deployments or time apart.What I have observed in my neighborhood (we live off base) is that people were more than willing to offer support for our left-behind-family before my husband deployed. However, when actually asked for help when the situation warranted it, it is hard to count on them at times because they have their own families to take care off. Thus, we turn to each other for help, support, relief, a laughter and a cry.Recently, our unit had an outing to just get out have have a bit of fun and relaxation. Here is the son of our commanding officer, relieving all the mother's present of their "duties" by taking their kids to the pool, so the mothers could have a few minutes of "time off". What a wonderful young man. He just did it, no questions asked, because he knew what needed to be done.
At that outing too I looked into the faces of the spouses here. Tired, worn, pride, fed-up, temporary "single parents", as we are left with the resposibility of raising our children, now, without the help of our partners. Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances, it gets harder when a parent is alone, it gets even harder when one parent is gone to fight a war that some of us don't even understand. Yet, we still reach out to each other, help each other, find ways to make each other laugh, and also afford an opportunity to listen to someone else cry, be angry. We don't have nannies, day or night, we can't usually go to get our hair cut without one or more child/ren present, and taking a bath by oneself without interruptions or even company, has become a distant dream or memory.
Then I look at the faces of our civilian counterparts. They are tired too in a lot of ways, tired of worrying who will win the playoffs, if the cat is going to die, who wins "American Idol" and the latest celebrity gossip and being a parent. I am not saying that we don't watch "American Idol" or some soap, but even if we do, I don't think we ever fully relax. They are actually tired of the same things we are in a lot of ways, but at times fail to give us the much needed break. Instead of saying "I will help you when you need it", why don't they just take over for a while to give us that break that our Commanding Officer's son just simply understood we so much need?I have heard a lot from spouses about the responses they get from their civilian counterparts. Rejection, the suggestions that some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs should be taken, that help should be hired. I don't get it. We don't want to be rejected, we would like to be respected for being alone and dealing with all the challenges thereoff while our loved ones are gone. We would like to be able to say that we don't feel good, without being offered medical advice. I am not saying that some meds are not appropriate at times, but what we are experiening is a heightened sense of nervousness, anxiety, sadness and vulnerablity. It is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. It is NOT normal to spend 1/2 of ones marriage away from each other. It is NOT normal to deal with the tension before the loved actually goes and experience that pain when we see the plane leave. It is NOT normal for children to associate their father with a plane and saying "daddy bye-bye" or phone by pointing at it saying "daddy hello". It is NOT normal for children to spend 1/2 of their lives away from a parent. It is NOT normal to find it normal that that spouse is gone. It is NOT normal to have a reunion briefing to address issues of bonding, PTSD, roles and reponsibilites in a family and readjusting. It is NOT normal to spend 5 out 6 wedding anniversaries apart. But hey, in some ways it is another anniversary together, even though apart.So, instead of offering medical advice and tell us that you know how we feel, help out and don't evade to donate your time. Instead of telling us that we "know what we married", accept our reality and offer some help. We have not chosen to be alone for a long time, but we accept it and will be alright. By telling us that we "know what we married" you not only discard us and our reality, that, again, is much like yours, except for we are doing it alone at times. We don't "whine" about our live, we talk about our realities that in many ways are very different from yours. We understand that you might not understand, but please, do not discard us. By doing so, you dishonor the servicemember that serves you. The servicemember who needs to know that his family will have the help that it needs in times of need, the servicemember who has to be on guard when going the restroom or some port-a-loo in a remote desert when being attacked or rocketed. We don't want to bother you with our experiences, but if we do, tough, we talk about it for a few minutes and then stop, you feel uncomfortable, tough, we have felt uncomfortable in many ways for months, so, are we asking to much to just vent at times when we are tired?
Coming back to our spouses during this deployment, here is what we see: Again, tired faces, proud faces, fed up faces, happy faces and sad faces. I look at the fact that despite of our stress of having our loved ones in harms way, we never cease to reach out to each other, to help an expectant mother deliver her baby, to celebrate birthdays, communions, anniversaries together. It amazes me. I am sure not at times how our volunteers muster the energy to make up to 60 phone calls at any given time at the drop of a hat, without questions asked, it amazes me. I see spouses stick together when a baby is born to give the mother a bit of a relief by simply supplying a meal, it amazes me. I don't know how we have managed to run on that amount of adrenaline for so long now, but we do it and will see it through until our loved ones are back. Then we can "collapse" and get some rest. For now, suffice it to say, we will keep on going, hoping, praying and waiting. To all of our spouses out there, a big thank you for the service that you have given to each other, mostly unnoticed to rest of our extended communities. My hat off to you all, you have served too, big time, and this is my way to salute you and thank you. It is a thank you to the more experienced spouses than me, you have mentored me and guided me in times of need, a thank you to the ones that I have "guided" and "mentored" for getting ready to be the mentor and guide in times to come. Thank you military spouses, I owe you in so many ways for your abiltity to share and giving me the chance to do the same.